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On April 20, 1999, aback Sue Klebold heard about a acid adventure at Columbine High School, her thoughts anon angry to her 17-year-old son, Dylan, who was a chief there.

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“In the actual beginning, I didn’t apperceive what to think,” Sue tells Fresh Air’s Terry Gross. “I was acquainted that there was a acid adventure occurring at the school. I didn’t apperceive if Dylan was in danger, if addition was aggravating to shoot him, if he was accomplishing something.”

Gradually the accuracy emerged: Dylan and his friend, 18-year-old Eric Harris, had gone on a acid binge at the school, murdering 13 bodies and abasing 24 others afore killing themselves.

For a continued time, Sue was in abnegation about her son’s role in the massacre. She told herself that Dylan had been brainwashed or apprenticed into the plan — or that he hadn’t absolutely attempt anyone. But again she saw the “Basement Tapes,” a set of videos Dylan and Harris had fabricated in which they brandished accoutrements and bragged about the abolition they were planning, and her compassionate of Dylan’s role in the binge changed.

“Seeing those tapes was one of the best shocking, badly alarming things that happened in the after-effects of this, because I had been active with such a altered assemble to try to cope with what I believed to be true,” she says.

In her new memoir, A Mother’s Reckoning, Sue describes the guilt, despair, abashment and abashing that accept bedeviled her in the 17 years aback the Columbine massacre. She hopes that her book will account the memories of the bodies her son killed, and conceivably advice added parents whose accouchement may be disturbing with brainy bloom issues. (All of the columnist revenues from the book, bare expenses, will be donated to analysis and accommodating foundations absorption on brainy bloom issues).

As for Dylan, Sue says she wishes she had listened to him added anxiously in the years above-mentioned the shooting. She wonders what questions she could accept asked that adeptness accept encouraged her son to accessible up about whatever he was feeling. She adds that admitting everything, she has never chock-full admiring him. “I will adulation him until I breathe my aftermost breath,” she says. “He’s like an airy adolescent that I backpack in my accoutrements everywhere I go, always.”

On acumen that one of the “Basement Tapes” had been filmed in her house

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When I saw that one of those scenes was absolutely attempt in our home one night, and it was a night aback Eric had spent the night, it was jaw-dropping. All I can acquaint you is I gasped out loud and I said, “That’s his room!” It was aloof a complete shock that article could appear like that in my own home — that I didn’t apperceive the two of them had weapons and that Eric had brought weapons to our house.

We went aback and anticipation about that evening, and we remembered aback Eric spent the night and he had brought a big attache bag in and we had aloof affected it was, I don’t know, conceivably a video camera or a computer — we weren’t in the addiction of allurement guests what they were bringing over — and we had to array of put these pieces calm of what the boys had been accomplishing that night, and it was a complete shock.

On how she believed Dylan to be assuming in the Basement Tapes

What I saw in those Basement Tapes, what appeared to me to be occurring, was that he was posturing, that he was putting on some affectionate of a achievement to prove not alone to Eric but possibly to himself that he was this tough, abhorrent animal being, who was affectionate of revving himself up to do this. So that was the faculty I got from those tapes, and I anticipate one of the things that was best alarming to me aback I saw those tapes, was the anticipation that if and aback these become accessible to the public, how the accessible couldn’t possibly accept that the added adolescent that I knew existed and was so altered from the one on the tape. I knew that aggravating to allegorize that would be impossible, if they had apparent this angel of this hate-filled person.

On why she advocated for the abolition of the Basement Tapes

I advocated for their abolition because there is a abundant accord of analysis to appearance that authoritative these accessible to the accessible is alarming — that accessible kids will attending at these and archetype these and use what happened at Columbine as a criterion for added contest such as this. So there is absolutely a lot of affidavit to abutment that authoritative them accessible is a actual poor and actual chancy idea.

I had an added acumen as able-bodied as that … I knew that if bodies believed that addition who was activity to do article as abhorrent as Dylan did, acted aboveboard as Dylan did in that tape, they would advance a apocryphal faculty of aegis to be able to say, “My admired one doesn’t act like that, accordingly I am safe. My admired one is not at risk.” And I anticipate for me, that was one of the best alarming things about these tapes is to realize, this was not his [affectation] on a circadian level, this was the two of them acting, accomplishing theater, accomplishing a performance, in advanced of a videotape, and it would be actual ambiguous to absolution that affectionate of advice and accept bodies apprehend to see behavior like that aback addition was actual disturbed, because that is not the truth.

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On if she advised whether the Dylan in the tapes was the absolute Dylan

His writings acquaint a altered story. His writings appearance that he was addition who was actual focused on love, he was actual focused on a faculty of conscience, he had a abstruse drove on an anonymous changeable at his school, and his writings do not acknowledge the akin of aberrant acrimony that the tapes revealed. And also, the actuality that I had accepted him, of course, all of his activity and accepted him to be a affable and a admiring person, so from aggregate I accept been able to apprentice about this, from every allotment of affirmation I can find, it was the behavior on the tapes that was the aberration, and it was article that he was doing, in abounding ways, I believe, to adapt himself to do what he was about to do.

On Dylan’s baleful thoughts

When I accredit to Dylan’s baleful thoughts and his behavior, I appetite to accomplish it actual bright that I am not aggravating to abatement the actuality that he additionally committed murder. I altogether am aware, always, every minute, of the lives that he took and the lives that he ruined, but murder-suicide, which is what this accident was, is one appearance of suicide. It is what can appear with a suicide. It is about now believed added and added to be motivated by the aforementioned things that actuate a suicide rather than a homicide.

So I accept done a lot of analysis on suicide and approved to accept Dylan’s thinking. Yes, in his writings, a abounding two years afore he died, he is talking about actuality in agony, actuality in pain, about his thoughts, absent to end them. He writes about adulatory he had a gun. He alike wrote about acid himself at one point. So, yes, I accept that he was experiencing assiduous baleful thoughts and abasement at atomic two years afore this accident grew and grew and escalated into this abhorrent tragedy.

I ambition that I had had the adeptness to burrow added and ask the kinds of questions that would’ve encouraged him to accessible up added to me.

On whether she blames herself for Dylan demography his own activity and murdering others

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I, like abounding survivors of loss, aback addition takes their own life, do anticipate those thoughts. I acquainted for a actual continued time that it must’ve been article I did, and I went aback to antic detail into our past, and I bethink at one point bawl because aback Dylan angry 3 I had alone put sprinkles on his altogether cake, but aback his brother angry 3, I had busy the block with icing, thinking, “It must’ve been article like that, area he didn’t feel appropriately loved.” I apperceive that sounds antic — that is the affectionate of assignment that you do in your arch aback article like this happens.

So I advised and I questioned and I blamed, and to this day I do it still — occasionally I abatement aback and think, “If I had done this, if I had not done this.” But over time, with all the analysis I was accomplishing into behaviors and losses due to suicide, I absolutely began to see that these things were things aural Dylan’s academician and his thinking, and that I might’ve in some way aback contributed to his acumen of article at a accustomed moment, but I did not accept and still don’t accept that I acquired this or acquired him to accept this acumen of himself and his worldview.

On what she wishes she could’ve done abnormally as a ancestor

I ambition that I had had the adeptness to burrow added and ask the kinds of questions that would’ve encouraged him to accessible up added to me. I had parented my kids, in abounding ways, the way I had been parented, which agency you accept to your kids’ problems and you try to fix them. … I anticipate what I bare to do with Dylan added was to aloof shut up and listen, to try to get him to say to me what he was activity and cerebration about something, rather than to automatically jumping to a way to accomplish him not feel that way or to fix the way he felt.

On bodies antibacterial the crosses for Dylan and Eric in a canonizing of the victims

I can’t assume to alike apperceive what [the families] were experiencing and what the akin of their affliction was. I absolutely accepted their charge to accurate what they were feeling, and that their animosity were such that they could not abide accepting those memorializations there. I feel assertive that I would’ve acquainted the aforementioned way.

But like aggregate afterwards a murder-suicide event, the animosity are so complicated that you feel so abounding things at once. There was a allotment of me that acquainted amenable and compassionate … and there was a allotment of me, as a mother, that was actual aching by this announcement of abhorrence for my son. But this is all allotment of why the acquaintance was article I capital to address about, because there are all kinds of animosity that we have, and I can accept the charge to accurate that affectionate of rage, but I achievement additionally that bodies will accept my charge to adulation the adolescent that I lost. …

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What I use as my adviser is that I appetite to brainwash people. I appetite bodies to apperceive that alike ancestors associates of bodies who do horrible, abhorrent things are still animal beings, and that conceivably by affair me and seeing that I am not a crazed person, that maybe it will augment their compassionate and they will accept a little bit added benevolence for addition else.

Copyright NPR 2018.

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